Dear Troll,
I loved the film E.T. when I was a little kid. I love it even more now as a grown man. I love it so much I wanna fuckin’ fuck that little fuck, E.T. – should I seek help?
Keep it UP, yours, Aliengorged.

Well, son, to your question I will answer NO! You do not need to seek help, for all the assistance you require is contained in the following embedded video. Just pull you pants down and gently rub off to these beautiful femaliens who are surly from ET’s green planet…

TOBACCO – Super Gum from TOBACCO on Vimeo.

Doncha just love how melancholy these creatures look as they take it?! Doesn’t it just get you off all the harder!? Dare i say my orgasm was… otherworldly! Heheheheeeeeee!!!

Dear Troll,
I just got the new iPhone 4 and it is the best thing available to buy in the history of the planet. I love it so much I wish I could marry it. I love it more than I could ever love another human being. Is this wrong? — bergitchcock

Well, Bergitch, you are not alone. And while it may seem you’re close to having actual sex with your lovable device, just relax – REAL sex with a live girl is not far away, according to a recent report…

According to 11 million plus images indexed by users of dating site OK Cupid, iPhone users get laid twice as often as Android users. Check out the stats HERE!

Trevor writes:

Dear Sexual Troll,
I am just out of high school and do not wish to pursue college. Instead, I would like to become a male porn actor and have sex with girls for the rest of my life. How can I make it happen, Troll?!

Well, Trevvy, you need to click no further than HERE and all your dreams may very well be on their way to becoming a reality.

But a word of warning! Not all of us sex lovers can instantly be a porn star. Let’s listen to what Evan Stone has to say about the trials and tribulations of being a male sex star…

If you still think you have what it takes and decide to go for it, just remember, when you have your longfellow inside an nice sweet 18 year old slice of pie, invite your old pal The Troll over for a bite! Heheheheheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Dear Troll, I love the latest crop of articles. You seem to have more time on your hands these days…. which begs the question; do you have any friends?

Well, good sir, while I prefer to travel on my adventures and quests solo – it certainly does not mean I do not remain in touch with old pals from the forests. In fact, it appears as though my old friend Tokolo is at it again…

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s one of the latest pieces of mail I’ve pulled from me sack…

Dear Sexual Troll,

In your porn travels, do you know anything about a girl named Melanie Jane a.k.a. Melanie Rios? I think she’s new but– dear lord– I think she’s even hotter than Jenna Haze. Here is a video I jerked off to time and time again:

She’s a little jenna wannabe but I think this is my new fave. If you ever meet her in person I will truly be jealous.

Your pal,
ASSparagus

Well ASSparagus, allow me to say THANK YOU for your letter and an even BIGGER THANK YOU for alerting our cocks n balls to little miss Melanie over here! As always, we welcome links from our readers and even encourage you lovely couples out there to record yourselves in the act of fornication and send it in so I, the Troll, can beat me meat! heheheheheeeeee!

Davey writes, “Dear Troll. I enjoy your site bery much, but I do not have a computer to view it on and my older brother will not let me borrow his so I can release my stress via hand. What can I do to make him share?”

Well, Davey, it is important to show your brother how much FUN sharing can be. Take these two teen-aged girls, for example. They seem to know the meaning of sharing very well. Very well indeed. I suggest you show your selfish older brother this instructional video about sharing.

Courtney Simpson, Courtney Cummz, cumshot, facial, cum, swapping, blonde, brunette , groupsex, piercing, kissing, teasing, small, tits, big, tits, lesbian

“Dear Troll. I’m Jerry. I am a boy who is left alone often. Mom died in a car crash last month and dad has to work late. Whenever dad comes home I hear him making noises with the babysitter. Should I be afraid? What if it’s a monster or a terrible thing happening right under my own nose? Should I be a hero and investigate or should I continue to cower under my pillow? Thanks. -Jerry”

Well, Jerry! I have a clip that might explain things a bit for you. And it features a young boy named Jerry with a similar situation as your own! Just watch this and all will be explained!…

Glad I could help!

This week Jackie F. writes, “Dear Troll, I know your site is mainly about providing top of the line hot clips for us to all get off to and I appreciate that. But, would you ever consider maybe providing other services? I am looking into becoming a professional pool player and I would love it if there are any tips you can share so I can go on to become the billiards champ I know I was born to be. Thanks and good day.”

Well, Jackie. If you want to learn how to perform well at the pool table, just watch this fun and informative clip!

Look at this! A female viewer of the site names “Lisa” writes in! “Dear Troll, You are so cute. I have a question. I want to have sex but I am a bit shy. How can I have sex but pretend it never happened…like maybe not even know who it is fucking me. That would be hot.”

Well, Lisa, I’d be glad to help you out but I’m sure you’re talking about being fucked by a human make. Ah well. Let’s see here. How about the girl in this vid? She seems to have the right idea! This youngy just like you has sex with an unknown set of cocks. Very dangerous for her. Very enjoyable for us! Give it a try!

I would very much like a room in my house like this.

Dweeby McDweebsy writes in with: “Troll, I am a dweeb not only in name but in personality. How may I fuck hot girls instead of the fatso’s I fuck now from time to time?”

Well DD, I’m not sure. Perhaps you should move to the country where this guy is from. He seems to be a bit of a dweeb and yet he still secures a nice young tight fuck for himself. Check it out and sorry I cannot be of more help this time out of my big male sack.

I hated my Troll parents and Troll family and was glad to be gone of them when I fled the forest into your human world. But I’m sure some of you out there are different and saddened by their broken homes.

Here’s TV’s Alan Thicke to sort out all these feelings…

Loyal reader “Rommel” sends us to church today – and Lord are we thankful for it!!!!

He writes: “Teeny, check! Small teeters, check! Bad skin, check! Fucked in the ass inside a church, check!”

From a reader named Jimbo: “Troll — help me. I can’t figure girls out. They’re so hot but sometimes they are crazy and I think I should just stay home and jerk off. What to do?!”

Girls are crazy creatures, both trolls and humans alike. I would tell you to “just let the chicks fall where they may” — But don’t listen to me, Jimbo. Mr. T can explain it much better than I can to both you and Gary Coleman…

Alabaster sends us this clip and asks the question, “Will she ever catch him?”

Let’s find out!…

Frequent reader “Alabaster” sent me an email today that read: “Mr, Troll, could this be footage for the sequel to Cliffhanger?”

With the recent news that a remake is in the works for this 1993 film, I thought this could be some new footage. After taking a peep, I imagine this is not exclusive footage from the new incarnation. Pity. I cannot imagine the new film being any better than this!…

If only Renny Harlin could still direct this well!