Category: Celebs

I don’t care what you think of Paris Hilton. I love her and I’ll tell you why. She is the shape of a girl. As a troll who is newly out of the sheltered woods, I have been witnessing many forms of the female humans roaming around these days I must say, I am not impressed.

I’m not just talking about the regular girls walking around the street everyday. No, no — I am referring to many of your so called “Sex Symbols.” Ladies like that giant-assed Kim Kardashian. Seriously? Guys get it up to this? Her name alone sounds like a terrible Star Trek alien race. Don’t you men take one look at that ass and imagine the vast amount of watery class 4 diarrhea that must come out of it? How can this arouse them? It’s so big there’s no way you’re telling me she only takes one dump a day. That’s a three-dump-a-day lady right there. And ya know what that means, doncha? That means there’s NO way she wipes well. If you know you’re just going to be right back on the bowl in an hour or so you’re bound to cut corners. Maybe you like that. I don’t know. I’m so confused.

And that unfortunately-moled piece of dark meat that everyone seems to like…what’s her name? The one from The Spirit? Oh yes — Eva Mendes. This confused my Troll mind ever so much. How can human men like someone with a mole that size? How do you kiss a lady who looks like she has thin peach fuzz on her upper lip?

And speaking of manish, don’t even get me started on that Rosario Dawson. She looks like this boy I once knew named David. I’m not saying all of these ladies are not lovely people. They may be very nice. I just am unable to understand their place as humans who would be considered “hot.” Which brings me to Paris.

Sure, you may have reasons for not liking her for one reason or another — and even I will never forgive her for the death of her natural perky tits — but honestly – who cares? Harrison Ford is the biggest dullard in the world in real life but that never stopped all of us from loving his characters. Paris is like the female Ford. This is the shape a human lady is supposed to come in, and this is why I am reaching back into the Troll archives to present the entire “One Night In Paris” sex tape from years back.

I love what a horrible lay she is — makes me get off all the sooner, knowing how she would just lay there and let you do as you wish, her mind on more important things like recording her next album and picking new BFF’s. Enjoy!