Dear Troll, I love the latest crop of articles. You seem to have more time on your hands these days…. which begs the question; do you have any friends?
Well, good sir, while I prefer to travel on my adventures and quests solo – it certainly does not mean I do not remain in touch with old pals from the forests. In fact, it appears as though my old friend Tokolo is at it again…
I hated my Troll parents and Troll family and was glad to be gone of them when I fled the forest into your human world. But I’m sure some of you out there are different and saddened by their broken homes.
Here’s TV’s Alan Thicke to sort out all these feelings…
Loyal reader “Rommel” sends us to church today – and Lord are we thankful for it!!!!
He writes: “Teeny, check! Small teeters, check! Bad skin, check! Fucked in the ass inside a church, check!”
From a reader named Jimbo: “Troll — help me. I can’t figure girls out. They’re so hot but sometimes they are crazy and I think I should just stay home and jerk off. What to do?!”
Girls are crazy creatures, both trolls and humans alike. I would tell you to “just let the chicks fall where they may” — But don’t listen to me, Jimbo. Mr. T can explain it much better than I can to both you and Gary Coleman…
Alabaster sends us this clip and asks the question, “Will she ever catch him?”
Let’s find out!…
Frequent reader “Alabaster” sent me an email today that read: “Mr, Troll, could this be footage for the sequel to Cliffhanger?”
With the recent news that a remake is in the works for this 1993 film, I thought this could be some new footage. After taking a peep, I imagine this is not exclusive footage from the new incarnation. Pity. I cannot imagine the new film being any better than this!…
If only Renny Harlin could still direct this well!
Lacy writes: “Dear Mr. Troll, I have mice in my apartment. They are eating all the wires behind my computer desk. What do I do?”
Well, Lacy, my suggestion is for you to just masturbate yourself! You’ll feel so much more relaxed and up to dealing with your rodent infestation. In fact, why not use a mouse to get off? Like this lady here (although I do admit this is NOT the best example)…
The way ladies treat their bodies these days. Terrible. Some of you might enjoy this. Me, well, I don’t see how anyone would have a wired mouse these days. This girl probably still uses a PC as well. Doesn’t she know the sleek white design of the Apple bluetooth mighty mouse would feel so much better? I just cannot get off to this because of this reason.
Hello! Many of you have taken advantage of the “Submit a Query” page, and your questions have led to delightful releases for all. Yet, unfortunately, no one has utilized the “Submit a Clip” feature…until now!
Mr. Snaker says: “Troll – Must share this one with you, fucking Asian girl is so nasty.. it’s great.”
Well, Mr. Snaker, thanks for your submission (and emission) – and now..let us peep!…
A young lad by the name of Theodore writes in and asks, “Troll, your clips are fantastic, but I see all of these big dicks going into the girls and mine is not like that. Am I a fag?”
Well, Theo, according to the “Kinsey Report,” the average penis is 6.16 inches and the average penis girth is 4.84 inches. Believe it or not, there is a correct way to measure your penis. Follow the 5 simple steps below to get a proper mesaurement…
1. Make sure you are as erect as possible.
2. Using a ruler or measuring tape, press one end against the base of the TOP side of your penis.
3. Read the measurement where the TIP of your penis touches the ruler.
4. If you’re using a cloth tape, hold it as straight as possible. A cloth tape on an exceptionally curved penis could mess up your results.
5. To measure the girth, wrap a strip of paper or string around the base of the shaft and measure the length once you uncurl it.
As for if you’re a homosexual or not, all you need do is watch this clip of the day. If you do not swell, then, yes, I am afraid you are indeed a homo. Happy measuring, Theo!
“Dear Mr. Troll,” says young Alabaster, “I am a big fan of your site. But you have to help me! I don’t know how to eat out the pussy.”
Well, Alabaster, here is an Asian cutie teaching the masses how to lick a vagina!
17 year-old Jimmy writes, “Dear Troll, I am in big trouble because my friend sent me pictures on my iPhone of his GF nude on Twinkle. Problem is – she’s too young! What to do!?”
Well, Jimmy, I understand that sexting has been quite popular among the teen humans. Sometimes, when I am hiding behind a tree that is strategically placed within view of a young teenage female, I often observe them with their smart input touchy type device and move in for a close look. And I can report to you here firsthand that nine times out of ten the little sweet innocent looking thing is sending a picture of her in her bathroom with her device pointed toward the mirror in nothing but her skivvies.
Yes, Fantastic times we are living in, indeed…but I would suggest deleting the pictures as soon as possible and sticking with the safer material I dig up for your pleasure. So now, Jimmy, I invite you to pretend you are on the other end of that text…that the little horny nymph just sent YOU that pic – and use these fantastic images to get off in a virtual sexting session – TROLL STYLE! And don’t stop there…ya know that phone she sent you the pics with? Just wait until you see what she does with it after she hits send! Heeeheeeeeheheheheeee!
Just another service brought to you by your pal, the good ‘ol S.T. 
Maurice writes: “Hey, Troll – How come there are so many dickheads in the world? They suck.”
As I have said before, dickheads are a very valuable part of society. Very, VERY valuable. It’s true! You know that asshole that wouldn’t let you in when you were trying to change lanes before the road ended? You know that guy. Yeah, well, he has a daughter. And guess what? He’s ten times as much as a dickhead to her than he was to you on the highway earlier today. Every day. For eighteen years he’ll be a dickhead to that poor girl. Until the day after her eighteenth birthday, when she’s so used to being driven mad by that dickhead that she will no doubt lash out and, ironically, find the nearest head of an actual dick!
So my friend, the next time some mother fucking asshole cocksucker douche-faced fucker slams a door in your face rather than hold it for you, be thankful. Be very, very thankful that he is on his way home readying what will be on this site eighteen years from today!
Here’s the blonde-haired product of some schmuck who never held doors for anyone back in 1991…
11:07 is now my favorite time ever. It really is the very best time ever.
Another Dickhead Dad after the jump…
One of my female readers writes:
“I know that you’re into the ladies, but I’m a big fan of Evan Stone, perhaps you could troll for a clip with Evan and a nice young lady that way we can both have a lucky charmed day? Sorry…I know that’s leprechauns…Trolls, Leprechauns, my bad my little friend. Keep UP the good work!”
Ohh it’s so lovely to know that the female humans enjoy my video offerings as well! Well, Female, Mr. Stone’s star turn as Captain Reynolds in Pirates and Pirates: Stagnetti’s Revenge even made me a fan! In honor of the awesomeness that is Evan Stone, we present a replay of the fantastic super bowl incident from last January – when Stone became the All-Star of that game!
Here’s what families around the world saw last January on their TV’s…
And here we have the master discussing his craft…
Read on for big news on Evan’s first national tour, “The Evan Stone Ladies Night Tour”…
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